You need writer friends
And how to find them.
When I first took a stab at writing a novel, I didn’t tell a soul. It was 2018 and I was on maternity leave. Time slowed down and a creative window opened. I finally had the mental space to listen to my inner voice — one that had been drowned out by the minutia of my life.
Without anything but sheer will, I finished a draft, but had no idea what to do next. I knew I needed an agent to sell the book, but that’s about it. I didn’t know about #MSWL, the importance of beta readers, or how to write a query letter. I didn’t know anyone who’d written a book or was secretly writing one either, so I didn’t have anyone to ask questions or commiserate with.
After some targeted ads that found me on Facebook (proof that an ad to lead you to something meaningful), I decided to join a year-long writing program called The Book Incubator. It was a significant financial investment for me at the time, but I knew I needed to up my craft and learn how to write a book from someone who’d done it (check out my interview with the program’s founder Mary Adkins!)
As a virtual program, the other writers were scattered throughout the US and Canada, working on all different types of books ranging from middle grade adventure to dystopian sci-fi. We’d meet weekly and it was the first time in my life I felt a distinct kinship to other writers. My undergrad was in journalism, so being surrounded by writers wasn’t new to me, but something about being around people who had a burning desire to write a book infused a different sense of belonging for me. Maybe it’s that we all shared these secret longing that we’d left to the wayside, finally deciding to nurture this creative yearning.
In the weekly craft discussions, we would all knowingly nod on cue, our frustrations running parallel. Laughing over silly things, like our characters doing things we didn’t want them to or didn’t expect. Or lamenting over the more difficult things, like the distance between what we wanted to create and what we managed to get on the page.
Writing a manuscript is a peculiar experience. Isolating. Invigorating. Frustrating. Stimulating. Tiring. It can be hard to communicate these feelings to even your closest family and friends. Add querying (slash the publishing industry) into the mix and it’s an entirely other emotional rollercoaster. This is why I think have writer friends and more broadly, being a part of a writing community, can be an integral part of your writing journey.
Where to find writer friends
Thankfully, it’s never been easier to find writer friends both locally and around the world. Because of the classes, retreats and programs I’ve taken over the past few years I have writing friends in my city and across the US! Here’s some ideas of where you can start to suss out potential besties.
Take a class. This could be at your local community centre, an online program or even through a university (for example, the University of Toronto offers a creative writing certificate with a mix of in-person and virtual class options).
Join a writing accountability group. Typically virtual, there are many programs that allow you to not only connect with other writers, but it’s a smart way to keep you on track with your writing goals. (Tip: you can create your own writing accountability group once you gather a few of your own writing friends.)
Attend an in-person writing workshop or retreat. These often have a greater financial barrier to entry, but if it’s something in your budget it’s a wonderful way to connect with other writers in-person. I’ve personally found in-person to be the best way to connect with other writers. Bonus: if you love to travel, it’s the perfect excuse to write and learn in a far-flung locale.
Attend a conference or literary event. Last year I attended AWP in LA, helping out at The Book Incubator’s booth, and made a handful of new connections. Local literary events, including readings and author signings, are another way to mix and mingle with other creatively-minded folks.
Be open about your writing on social media. I have shared my writing aspirations on social media, only to have people reach out and admit they are also writing (or want to write) and book. This is an easy way to expand your writing network and forge new connections with people who you likely already know.
What the science says about the benefits of community and friendship
If you’ve come this far then you probably don’t need any more convincing about why you should get yourself some writer friends, but here’s some science to prove why friends are so important to your overall health (and I’d argue your creative health).
In an article published by the APA, a review of 38 studies found that high-quality adult friendships that provide support and companionship can help protect against depression and anxiety
A small study found that working alongside a friend during a tough task can help heart rate reactivity (ie. you’ll feel less stressed)
A 2023 systematic review published in the NLM found friendships helped students’ academic performance and GPA through emotional support, leading to less stress and better ability to concentrate
Social connection is the strongest protective factor for depression, says a 2020 study from the American Journal of Psychiatry
And I’ll leave you with one cool thing to think about when you’re gathering up the nerve to make a new friend. It’s called the “Liking Gap,” which is from a 2018 study published in the NLM that found people often underestimate how much another person likes them. So, go on and don’t be afraid to start that conversation.
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